A Complete Waste of Time

01. ON OUR PROGRAM TODAY (HECTOR’S)

STEVE: I’m Steve Arviso, and this is “A Complete Waste of Time.”

MUSIC: A SNATCH OF SOME UP-BEAT DIDDY.

STEVE: On today’s program, we’ll be speaking with Connie McGivens., a local barista and failed piano tuner; fish enthusiast Cyril Shenanigans; and Kyle DeWitt, local con-man and bookie.

But first, a message from our sponsor – Hector’s.

MUSIC: SENTIMENTAL PIANO MUSIC. UP, UNDER.

STEVE: Do you want produce at the lowest price possible? Did you forget your wife’s birthday again? Then stop by Hector’s Oranges and Flowers Boutique. Currently located by the First Street off-ramp in Santa Ana. Hector’s: we have oranges and flowers… and sometimes other things.

02. THE LAST WORD (w/ FINNEGAN HABERDASHER)

MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC.

FINNEGAN: Welcome back to “The Last Word.” I’m your host, Finnegan Haberdasher. Tonight’s last words come from–

SFX: KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

Oh. Excuse me for one moment, folks.

SFX: MORE KNOCKING.

SFX: FINNEGAN STEPS AWAY, OPENS DOOR.

FINNEGAN: (off) Yes, I’m Finnegan Haberdasher. Yes, I know Anita Dickings. What’s this about–

SFX: BANG! A GUNMAN SHOOTS FINNEGAN, FINNEGAN DROPS DEAD.

SFX: THE GUNMAN FLEES, SPEEDS AWAY IN CAR.

MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES. BUT THEN…

SFX: THE GETAWAY CAR CRASHES.

SFX: POLITE APPLAUSE.

MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS OUT FOR A BIT TOO LONG.

03. ON THE HOUR (7PM)

SFX: ANNOYING TICKING. UP, UNDER.

ULYSSES: Welcome back to “On the Hour,” the only program where it’s New Year’s Eve every hour, on the hour. I’m your host, Ulysses S. Scrimshaw.

At the tone, the time will be, precisely, 7 P.M. (a beat, then…) Aaaaand…

SFX: a silly toot of a horn.

ULYSSES: There you have it.

Please remember to keep your celebratory antics respectable. And please, drink in moderation. And if you feel this program may have felt inaccurate, please adjust your clock accordingly and replay this show until satisfied.

I was and still am Ulysses S. Scrimshaw, and this has been “On the Hour.” And we’ll see you again, in, oh, say, fifty-nine minutes.

Goodbye.

04. MAKE IT QUICK (ALAN WRENCH)

PORTER: Howdy there folks. I’m Porter House, and welcome to “Make it Quick.” We’re out here in the heart of Keepitdownnow, Wyoming to help today’s special guest, Mr. Alan Wrench. Seems our new friend got himself into quite a bit of trouble recently at the dog races. So, he called us up to… Oh, I think I see Mr. Wrench coming out of his house right now.

SFX: PORTER SHOOTS, KILLS MR. WRENCH.

PORTER: Wasn’t that a beaut?

Welp… that’s all she wrote for this episode of “Make it Quick.” I’m Porter House. And remember, you never hear the one with your name

SFX: PORTER FLEES, SPEEDS OFF IN CAR.

05. THE SOCIETY FOR THE PROLIFERATION OF MORSE CODE

MUSIC: A LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY. UP, UNDER.

SFX: APPLAUSE.

HOST: Wasn’t that brilliant, folks? Absolutely brilliant. And we’ll be right back with even of that which I have previously stated to be – and most certainly continues to remain – brilliant.

But first, a word from today’s sponsor – The Society for the Proliferation of Morse Code.

MUSIC: MEDLEY CUTS OFF.

SFX: THE BEEPING AND BOOPING OF SOME NONSENSE IN MORSE CODE.

MUSIC: LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY RETURNS. UP, UNDER.

HOST: Wise words. Very wise words, indeed, from our friends down at SPMC.

Welcome back, everyone. I’m your host, Thumb Upmybutt. And we now return you to another sixty-minutes of uninterrupted screaming and wailing.

MUSIC: MEDLEY CUTS OFF.

SFX: PAINED SCREAMING AND WAILING OF COUNTLESS DAMNED SOULS.

06. A MESSAGE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

MUSIC: BLARING AND PRETENTIOUS “BREAKING NEWS” DIDDY.

SWEETLY: Good evening, I’m Fuhkme Sweetly. As chaos continues to engul our once great nation, the White House has released the following message in the hopes of bridging gaps, mending bridges, and generally stirring the pot.

MESSAGE: (recording) (assorted baboon sounds followed by silly snoring, a cuckoo clock, sawing wood, and a small, whistling steam locomotive

SWEETLY: Truly a bold and daring message for these challenging times.

I’m Fuhkme Sweetly, and this has been another crushing message from today’s White House. Goodnight, and try not cry too much.

MUSIC: BLARING AND PRETENTIOUS “BREAKING NEWS” DIDDY. UP, OUT.

07. THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF NATURE DOCUMENTARIAN BIFF WELLINGTON
BY WAY OF CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH

SOUNDSCAPE: BIFF silently eating a chicken salad sandwich as he stands in a small lake or pond, surrounded by only a lovely stretch of wilderness untainted by man’s hubris.

SFX: Biff chokes, drops dead with a little splash.

A long, uncomfortable silence…

08. ON OUR PROGRAM TODAY (THE SECOND PART)

STEVE: Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for today. Please join us next time, when we’ll be sure to disappoint you even more.

I’m Steve Arviso, and this has been a complete waste of time.

MUSIC: A SNATCH OF SOME UP-BEAT DIDDY. UP, OUT.