That Wasn’t Even Sexy

HOST: (voice-over) Good evening. Tonight’s piece, “Calvin Carson’s Cavalcade of Cars, Cards, and Cardigans,” has fortunately been misplaced on account of gratuitous sex, violence, and pedantry. In its place, we dispassionately offer a mostly flaccid, partly turgid bit of tale titled, “That Wasn’t Even Sexy,” already unpackaged, reheated, and ready for you to do with as you please.

Oh. And please note: the safeword is, “mukluks.”

And now, the bit…

A phone RINGS, and SOMEONE accidentally answers when they actually meant to ignore it.

SOMEONE: Hello.

CALLER: Hello.

SOMEONE: Hello.

CALLER: Hello.

SOMEONE: Hi.

CALLER: Oh, good. You’re not a complete idiot.

SOMEONE: Surprises await us both, I suppose.

CALLER: Truer words have been spoken. May I speak with Throbbing Fistwood, please?

SOMEONE: No.

CALLER: No?

SOMEONE: Did I say, “No”?

CALLER: Yes.

SOMEONE: Oh. Because I meant to say, “Yes.”

CALLER: So, I may speak with Throbbing Fistwood, then?

SOMEONE: Perhaps.

CALLER: I’m sorry. I must have bludgeoned myself to death on my faux hardwood floor, because I appear to be in Hell.

SOMEONE: Would you like to call back another time?

CALLER: May I speak with Throbbing Fistwood then?

SOMEONE: No.

CALLER: Then, for God’s sake, why would I call back later?

SOMEONE: I was wondering that myself.

CALLER: I swear, this is the number the young lady gave me when I inquired with her about Throbbing Fistwood. Are you sure this isn’t Throbbing Fistwood?

SOMEONE: Fairly certain.

CALLER: I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.

SOMEONE: It doesn’t have to be a total waste, does it?

CALLER: How so?

SOMEONE: I mean, you’ll have to give me a moment, but I may be able to help.

CALLER: You can help locate Throbbing Fistwood?

SOMEONE: Well. At my age, you never can be too sure without a bit of assistance, if you will.

CALLER: No. No, thank you. I’m afraid I’m a bit tight on time at the moment. Perhaps I’ll try calling back later.

SOMEONE: Wonderful.

CALLER: Who should I ask for?

SOMEONE: Dick Squat-thrust.

CALLER: Got it, Dick. May I call you “Dick”?

SOMEONE: I certainly hope so.”

CALLER: Thank you.

SOMEONE: Goodbye.

CALLER: Goodbye.

They hang up.