Ugh! Ugh! I’m Dying, You Idiot!

Steve addresses the audience.

STEVE: Good evening. And to those of you just joining us: good evening.

Welcome some of you to the next part in our eleventy-part series entitled, “A Complete Waste of Time: Or, A Modern Post-Modern Exploration of the Pointlessness of Wasting Time.”

Tonight’s piece: “Ugh! Ugh! I’m Dying, You Idiot!”

Death: what is it? Nobody’s quite sure, really. Scientists, for example, believe Death to be the point at which all things – babies, puppies, and, yes, even dear, sweet gram-gram – cease to be, which I think we can all agree is a bit of a bummer.

Nonetheless. Like a trial to a local newspaper or magazine that we most certainly never would have signed up for if given a say in the matter, Death comes for us all.

Sometimes, Death comes like a thief in the night…loud, chaotic, and wholly inconsiderate. Such was the case for Cecil Cecilson of Plainfield, Indiana…who had the misfortune of coming-to as an unknown, yet shockingly skilled prostitute proceeded to remove one of his kidneys right there on the tile floor of a motel bathroom.

Other times, Death is more playful trickster than some unseen, terrifying constant and inevitable conclusion of biological existence. Such was the case for Chlamydia Lapierre, of Fontana, California, the unwed widow of a small ficus plant who suddenly found herself reduced to two dimensions following her regular Tuesday afternoon shift at Classy Lou’s Erotic Dancing Emporium.

Tonight, we humbly invite you to laugh into the abyss, to embrace the all-consuming madness that comes from knowing that, one day, you, and all that you hold dear, will, for all intents and purposes, be scrubbed clean from the pavement of existence. And in some highly unfortunate cases, this may prove to be quite literal.

And for precisely those very reasons, on tonight’s program, we shall stoop so low as to speak with Connie McGivens, a local barista and failed piano tutor; fish enthusiast, Cyril Shenanigans; and Kyle Dewit, local con man and bookie.

But first, a complete waste of time.