I’ve Got a Receipt (II-II)

II-II: ABSURDAPOTAMUS

The jungle boat putt-putts across the incomprehensibly strange, yet inexplicably calm abyss. Bobert pilots, speaking exclusively through the boat’s shoddy PA system. Cassie suffers this.

NARRATOR: (voice-over) As they ventured across and through the abyss towards a distant glow along the horizon, Bobert quite literally jumped at the opportunity to play tour guide.

BOBERT: Good afternoon, ya’ll! I’m Bobert, and I’ll be your ferryman-slash-tour guide for today’s journey across The Great Divide!

NARRATOR: (voice-over) He clucked about a bellowing mass of flesh, teeth, and an adorable pair of wiggling ears that playfully rocked the boat in passing.

An ABSURDAPOTAMUS splashes, plays in the boat’s wake.

BOBERT: Sorry about that folks! We have a friend joining us today – say hello to Glenda the Absurdapotamus!

NARRATOR: (voice-over) He twittered ceaselessly for several minutes about the majestic beauty of a three-necked, two-headed abyssal megacephalosaurus.

A pair of ABYSSAL MEGACEPHALOSAURUS breach the nothingness below, engage in a mating ritual.

BOBERT: And that’s where baby abyssal megacephalosaurus come from!

NARRATOR: (voice-over) He even quacked at a large eye with wings perched atop a large shard of concentrated madness drifting in the nothingness that surrounded them.

Whatever-It-Is drifts in, drifts out.

BOBERT: Hmm… I actually haven’t seen that one before…

NARRATOR: (voice-over) Cassie, meanwhile, couldn’t be assed to listen to a word of Bobert’s blissful and cheery everything until his honking about the cosmic salamander.

The Cosmic Salamander appears, does as a cosmic salamander does.

BOBERT: Oh! And directly above us, you’ll see the Cosmic Salamander re-configuring time and space for lunch!

CASSIE: Wait. You can see that thing?

BOBERT: Of course, silly.

CASSIE: I thought I was going crazy.

BOBERT: Oh. Well, that might still happen.

CASSIE: What?

BOBERT: (shrugs) Yeah. This place can be a bit kooky. One time, I had to stop someone from ripping off their bottom jaw. Poor guy thought his tongue was trying to kill him.

CASSIE: But you stopped him, right?

BOBERT: Nope.

CASSIE: That’s not comforting.

BOBERT: Got pretty messy, too.

CASSIE: I bet.

Bobert hangs, shakes his head and sighs.

BOBERT: This job isn’t for everyone, I guess.

CASSIE: You’re a real strange dude, Bobert.

To be continued…