At twelve thirty-five one very early Sunday morning, in a Legion hall somewhere in Fountain Valley, John Joblonski defeated Tony “Two Thumbs” Pulcini via pin-fall in a Trailer Park Trash match for the World’s Championship.
Several moments earlier, somewhere on Earth’s moon, Kur’tahn J’kar defeated Buzz Aldrin via decapitation for the Moon’s Championship.
In a move that was rather obvious to the handful of viewers who could still be assed to tune-in to Sol Championship Wrestling every week, yet completely unexpected by the forty-something man in stretchy pants, Kur’tahn immediately challenged John for what was wrongly assumed to be the actual championship of the world.
Now. This is significant for approximately two reasons.
The first reason, of course, is that, at this point in history, Betty White was Earth’s reigning champion, having defeated Queen Elizabeth II sometime during The Golden Girls’ second season. And as a result of this unbelievably stupid move by Kur’tahn, what we now know as the Great Intergalactic Civil War began.
The other reason is that Kur’tahn, like much of the rest of the galaxy, incorrectly assumed that Earth was the least valuable title on SCW programming. And outside of a few notable runs by the likes of Roddy Piper, Bea Authur, and Me’am Auh’tauk of Moronika, an otherwise long-forgotten nomadic tribe whose line ended somewhere in what is now North America, it’s not too difficult to see why. For as entertaining as White’s run has been, she’s hardly been in a proper storyline for us to give a shit, has she? And why was Oscar Wilde never given a proper run, hm?
But had Kur’tahn or anyone else watched this godforsaken show, like real fans, they would know the reason why Earth’s two championships were originally relegated only to humanity: humanity’s innate genetic ability.
Ironically enough, it should be noted that much of humanity squanders this rare gift of the cosmos writing silly stories and scribbling even sillier pictures of their genitals. And only on rare occasions do the unaware and unsanctioned even make it beyond dark matches.
The second most recent of such encounters, at the time, involved the aforementioned Kur’tahn J’kar and Mr. Aldrin, deceased.
The most recent – and far from the last – involved a man who couldn’t quite as easily be described as an elderly man dead asleep in his bed before being dead on the moon. And to make the whole fiasco even more of a cosmic-level example of utterly insipid booking, John simply assumed Kur’tahn to be yet another drunken mark itching to be a part of the show. So after Kur’tahn struck John, assuming this human to easily fall like the rest, John did what he was always taught to do in these sorts of situations – he punched the other guy’s head clean off.
Now. John only intended to remove Kur’tahn’s head, more or less, in a metaphorical sense. Kur’tahn, however, most definitely intended it in a literal one. So imagine their surprise when the results came out all backwards. As Kur’tahn’s mighty claw struck John’s impressively muscled for his age and level of dedication chest, it shattered like glass on something hard, I suppose. And John, powered by the raw energy of the fifty-two or so mostly paying audience members in attendance, literally severed Kur’tahn’s head from the rest of his body with a single punch.
John looked on at the bloody devastation left in his wake and on his hands, and the children began to cry. A man in the back laughed for a moment, then stopped. And someone briefly considered calling the cops, but figured if it wasn’t part of the show, someone would have said something.
A flash of light cut through the hall, blinding the fifty-two in attendance, the dozen at home, and Doug, the moderator of the Epic Wrestling Entertainment livestream. And when their sight returned, John was gone.